A letter to my younger self

Things I wish I knew 25 years ago

I’m going to be 47 in three months.

47.

Every time I say that number out loud, my heart skips a beat. Not because I feel old, per se, but because there is a definite number count to years of life and most days, I feel like I’m just getting started.

Which brings me to the point of this letter written to my 22 year-old self. Maybe if that girl knew some things back then that she knows now, I wouldn’t feel like my life has only begun in the latter half of it.

So, in no particular order, here’s what I want to tell you, young Jenny.

Dear Jen,

You’ve been out of Providence College for a year now, have taken on a lucrative job in commercial printing sales, live in an unassuming charming apartment in the East Side of Providence, take nightly scenic and peaceful walks with your oversized greyhound, hit the gym daily, eat Ben + Jerry’s on the weekends and are about to jump on a plane solo to meet your cousin down in the Cayman Islands for a week-long scuba diving trip.

On paper, you’re doing just fine. In fact, things seemingly couldn’t be better.

But the years ahead of you, unbeknownst to you, come with a lot of love, loses, highs, lows, anger, bliss, and a shitload of lessons.

As it should for everyone.

One day, you’ll wake up at almost 47 years-old, and the perpetual reflections of what you could have done differently will be stuck on repeat, like a needle that’s running at the end of a record that no one has shut off.

I’d like to share a few insights as someone(us) who is over here, on the other side, where you’ll be sooner than you expect.

Let’s get the first one out of the way: stop plucking your eyebrows. That fashion trend DOES NOT COME BACK AROUND. Wide-legged pants, scrunchies, platform shoes, neon, anklets… those recycled statements never truly die, but thin eyebrows jump ship and sink to the bottom of the ocean. Throw your tweezers away right now.

Ok, now for the rest.

1. Get a financial advisor. If that isn’t feasible, talk to people who know something about money and what to do with it. I understand that the world makes it difficult for young adults, throwing pre-approved high-limit credit cards in the mail to you when you’re only 18, and spending more than you earn seems like something you can easily recover from, but it’s not. And it creates a poor pattern for the decades ahead. Learn how to invest. Learn how to save. Learn how create passive income. Stop spending so much. And learn how to make your money make money for you. RIGHT NOW.

2. Pushing through struggle and pushing through pain are two different things. Listen, I know you know this already at your age, but we know how to suffer. We are good at struggle. We have been active athletes since childhood and understand, probably more than most people around us, what it’s like to push our bodies and mind to its limits without stopping. We are RELENTLESS at this. I’m not telling you to ever stop that. But you need to differentiate between something sucking and something hurting you. And you don’t know that yet. There is no merit or reward in actual pain. When something really hurts or breaks, fix it. You’re not a hero when you shove that aside to “get it done.” You will inevitably be forced to face it at the most absolute inconvenient times, and it will take years to fix, so figure it out before you keep going.

3. Get a coach. Or a mentor. I give you credit for having drive and determination to go at it all alone. Females who grew up in our time didn’t really do this. But we did. However, that ends up being your limitation. There is an endless world of resources out there to guide you, if you’ll let them in. I know it’s part pride, part ignorance, but the sooner you find someone to keep you in line and fast-forward your progress, or even open you up to an entirely new world, the more successful you’ll be. Also, start Olympic weightlifting right now and join Crossfit.

4. Your parents are not your enemy. Ohhhhh, this is a big one. At some point, you’re going to end up in therapy. With the notion that all of your issues came from your parents. Which will be a lot to unpack, and will seemingly make sense when you’re in the moment of those tough conversations inside those office walls, but ultimately, you are in control of your own life, behavior, reactions, thoughts and actions. Yes, you are a product of your environment to an extent, but you are not a victim. And you need to understand this one thing (and maybe you won’t until you have your own kids but I wish you did before this): your parents may not have handled situations ideally sometimes, but they did the absolute best they could with what they had to work with (aka: the generation before theirs). Blaming them or holding resentment towards them does not result in happiness. Of course there are exceptions to this in some other families (abuse, etc), but you didn’t experience that. You had a mom and a dad who spent their lives doing whatever it took to give you a good one. Every moment of their day-to-day was truly dedicated to their family. So get over the other shit and learn how to accept, let go, and come to connect on common grounds. Choose your battles. Understand their perspective, which comes from love (even if it’s not apparent in the moment). And, you know, have actual conversations with them about it, rather than keep it in for decades, which only causes an eruption of emotions and catastrophic damage.

5. Wear sunblock on your face. I would say your entire body, but being tan is a way of life (I get it), so let’s at least keep your face covered. When you jump on chemo meds to have those pre-cancerous spots removed off your nose at 46, you’ll start to constantly wonder if all those days covered in baby oil at the beach or basking in tanning beds during your teens were the ticket to your demise. Plus, you’re going to spend a pretty penny on cosmetic treatments to reverse the damage you’ve done. Because the current trend is to age backwards, and you’re fully subscribed to it. Make that easier to do.

6. Stop being so nice. Ok, so I don’t mean this in the most literal sense. I think one of your greatest qualities is your ability to get along with or care for others, find the good in everyone (even if it’s confused with naivety), blend in with your surroundings, not be confrontational, stay positive, and empathize with others. But there will be points in your life where you’ll fester on the inside rather than addressing a situation, just to avoid conflict or offending, and the only person that eats alive is you. You can toughen up a bit. It’s OK if not everyone agrees with you or likes you. You can have opinions on things and stand by them. You can express when you’re hurt or something doesn’t sit right with you, instead of ignoring it. You can be warm and still have balls. You’ll finally get this in your mid-40’s, but, man, I wish you did a whole lot sooner. It could have taught you how to handle tough situations and improved your communication skills. (Good news is I think we’re finally MUCH better at it now.)

7. Reaction is not a response. Well, it is a response, but a poor one. One without consideration for any perspective outside of your own. Yea, I get it, you’ll feel attacked at times and you don’t know how to respond to such things without flipping out (because… see #6), but if you could really, truly, SINCERELY stop for a second when something triggers you, take a deep breath, and just TALK about it, rather than assuming the person on the other end is trying to extract your life from you, you may avoid a lot of unnecessary drama. This one is hard to learn. I really wish you understood it at your age.

8. It’s ok to eat a whole tray of homemade chocolate chip cookies. We still do it. I’ll never tell you otherwise.

XOXO, Jen. Or Jenny. (We still don’t like being called Jennifer.)

What would you tell your younger self, if you could??? Let me know in the comments.