How to Retaliate Against Your Teens
Effective Parenting, Page 1
This is Middle Child. Her name is Lily. She is the most 14’iest 14 year-old on the planet. That’s all you need to know to continue on.
Middle Child: “Ma, I gotta tell you something.”
Me: “Ok.”
Middle Child: “So I got a white boy on my roster.”
Me: “So there’s a boy who likes you and he’s white??”
Middle Child: “Yeah, and Ma, he fed me pasta and lobster.”
Me: “He brought that to school for you?”
Middle Child: “He hit me up on Tuesday and was like ‘What are you doing, bae? Let me take you shopping.’”
Me: “Lily, who is this boy? Why would he take you shopping if he just met you?”
Middle Child: “I told him I was a little busy, but he said he was in my city.”
Me: “I don’t know if I like this kid. It sounds like he wants something from you.”
Middle Child: “Then he said he’s gonna send me bout eight fifty and when I told him he treats me so well, he asked if I wanted it in Cashapp or Zelle.”
Me:
Middle Child: “Mom! Then he told me, ‘Scratch that, I’m gonna send you a stack because you fine as hell.”
Me: “Lily, you’re not allowed to see this boy. He sounds like a real dipshit. Don’t take money from him.”
Middle Child: “But mom, I already told him, ‘Thank you baby,’ and he said , ‘Anything for my lady.”
Me: “You’re not going back to school.”
Silence.
Middle Child: “I love you, mom.”
** Proceeds to burst into a smile larger than her face, as she informs me that she’s singing the lyrics from a song she loves and wanted to make me think it really happened.
Oh, we had a good laugh. We sure did.
A couple days later, Lily went on a walk with friends. When she was about 1/2 mile away from home, she called me and begged me to come pick her up because she was hot and sweaty and her stomach hurt and her legs hurt and she couldn’t walk the rest of the way. I pretended my phone kept cutting out, after she told me she only had 1% left on hers, pleading for a ride with every breath, and I said, “Ok, no problem,” and hung up.
Except, I didn’t leave.
She continued to straggle her way home, thinking I was showing up at any minute to get her. I was watching from the window and when I saw she was 2 houses away, looking as miserable and disheveled as she possibly could, I got in my car and backed out of the driveway to get her.
But I didn’t make it far, because she was already home.
She looked right at me, or maybe right through me, but said nothing.
“Sorry, Lil. I got caught up. I was eating pasta and lobster.”
Game over.